first time at rehabilitative medicine

My shoulders decided to turn against me when they suddenly stiffened and developed a lump the size of Australia. I couldn't take it anymore and told my mother that I am going to have my shoulder fixed.

My mom suggested for me to go to her Physical Therapist, Hya. I did as she said and she even accompanied me to the clinic in one of the biggest laboratories in the city. It was Monday so a lot of people are at her office including an adorable 6 year old girl named Jana. Hya said we can come back after 30 minutes since she had just started treating a woman who had been ran over by an Elf truck.

Annoyed because I had to go to work after 5 hours, I accompanied my mother to the houseware area of the SM Department store to buy a shower curtain since she didn't like the one at home. Whoever heard of a fabric shower curtain?! It turned out to be fun.

When we got back to the clinic, the session began with electrocuting my shoulder...nah just kidding, Hya put some circular stuff on my shoulder that generates electricity to at least relax the muscles on my shoulders. Add hot compress to that and I was burning. Hya told me not to fall asleep on her, but I did. It was so relaxing.

Next was another set of hot compress and a massage so painful I didn't realize I was holding my breath. But it felt good though the pain still lingered.

My mom, meanwhile, was making friends with Janna who was also being treated for her leg problems. She's on rehab since age 1 due to the over stiffness of her muscles and she had 2 surgeries on her leg. Now at age 6 she can move both her legs but has yet to walk on her own. But I got to hand it to the kid, she is tough. Her rehab sessions are very strenous and painful that my mother said she ends up feeling sorry for the kid and telling Hya to at least be gentle with her. But this is rehabilitative medicine, nothing is gentle.

The treatment took an hour and it was spent on chatting with Hya and Janna. My mom was occasionally joining in. Actually my mom and Janna are the ones talking away and they're like grandma and grandchild. I find this little girl cute and adorable.

When it was done I felt more relaxed if a bit hurt in places I never knew existed only shoulders. Hya taught me some stretching exercises as well.

This will not be the last time I'm going to the Physical Therapist. How long I would be going, I do not know. My shoulders would never completely soften but at least it would reduce pain in my body particularly my headaches.

wel, well

What do you know? The guy cares. Sure he kind of reprimanded me for pulling up other websites. Well, actually he warned me about pulling up other websites while I'm on a call. Then punched my arm lightly like he always does.

Ha!

i'm so sick and tired of my life

Just as the subject implies, I am sick and tired of my life. If I could commit suicide right now I would, but I can't since I'm too scared inflict pain on myself and this is a mortal sin. But I can talk about death and on how I want to die. I wonder if I would be able to find the peace I needed in death than when I was in life.

Sometimes it is scary to die not waking up and seeing the sunshine, the rain, my family and friends.

I just feel this way because I'm so down right now. Everything sucks.

But death is not an excuse to run away. Besides what would that make me? A weak person and that would be the last thing I want to be called.

I'm just so frustrated right now I want to scream. Am I ready to move up or would I always stay down?! From my family to my friends they told me that God has something in store for me; something better.

Sure.

of cynicism and bitterness

I am beginning to realize that some things in life are not for me. It seems everyone is moving on nicely with their lives except me. Is this a joke? I wonder. Does God have a better plan for me that I'm too human to realize? I know there is always a bright side to everything but I also want results as well. Hmm, have I become an American?

Scary.

I don't know why I feel like I need to rush things in my life. It's like if I don't experience all of them at the same time, my life would be meaningless. Is it because I'm in my mid-20's? But I've been feeling like this since I turned 18 and that's already 7 years ago. I feel like I need to do everything before I die. Is this weird? Morbid? Rushed?

I'm so young yet I feel so old. Have I been this serious all my life?

Cynicism is something acquired not born. Bitterness is experienced not cultivated.

for irate agents

This is something my supervisor forwarded to the entire team. In the message, he asked if this was me. I do have a reputation as an irate agent in the team though someone has taken my throne as the most irate agent in the center. But my being irate has helped the team countless times in terms of perfomance.

It is a funny but morbid picture. For those with queasy stomachs don't bother to look at it.

limbo

I arrived in the office not looking forward to a night's work taking calls. At home, I felt dread at the prospect of coming to work in the first place. I confided one of my friends that for the nth time I wanted to quit my job. But I can't because I have a responsibility to fulfill.

I applied again for a promotion. This time I covered most of the bases and applied for three positions. I wonder if I will be accepted in one of them, let alone all three of them. Would I be lucky if that was the case?

I also wanted to fall in love, who wouldn't right? But I have yet to find a man who will sweep me off my feet...I wish. But I prefer to have both of my feet on the ground when I meet my ideal man (if there is such a man). And I prefer a friend to fall for instead of a complete stranger. What will happen anyway if I end up with a total stranger?

I wonder if it's really true that if you fall for your friend it would be very awkward. I don't know. Never been there. My teammates and coach were practically linking me with almost every guy I know. Well, actually they're just two of them. One I like a lot while the other one is just a coincidence. But it can be both annoying and flattering at the same time.

What am I going to do in this lifetime?

the fascinating world of love and all those crap

I've read one of my friend's blogs and I was laughing at the same time feeling extremely sorry for her. It is never easy to love someone then lose that person to somebody else in the name of holy matriomony. It would have been nice if that was not the case, but it was. This was something permanent. The vow "'Til death do us part." would apply as permanent.

Thinking about it as I was i the ladies' room, I realized that I was lucky. I am going through the same pain that my friend was but the differences were: one, he doesn't know what I feel towards him or if he does know he doesn't care. Why? Second he is taken. Semi-permanent relationship. Long duration type. Blast!

There was a time I cried myself to sleep because of this man, and I tried to live my life as if he didn't exist but it was never easy.

Then one night I decided to make a resolve to move on with my life without him. Not with him because that would never happen. Besides, as my best friend pointed out so bluntly this afternoon, I did not give my heart, body and soul to him. I never did. I just mourned for my inadequcies as a person and as a woman.

Second resolve is to love myself. Not bordering on selfish love but on a love that empwers me and makes me feel like a person and a woman. I'M A WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR!

All I have given him is my friendship, which I am not sure if he has accepted it or not. If he does then that's fine, if he doesn't screw him, at least I tried.

I am moving on with out you sweetie!

August...new beginnings

Hay, it's already August 2005. 8th month of the year. The last month that does not end in -ber. Middle of the rainy season. Dengue fever season. The month names after the emperor Augustus. Whatever.

July ended horribly even if our team is number 1 and we're scared for August to be honest. Surveys are like the bogey man, coming out when you least expect it. We can't afford to fail right now since we've been doing well since May. We have to set an example in the entire company.

First day of August began badly with one of our teammates absent. Why? Fever due to lower back pain. She sent me an SMS in my mobile and I told her to come by even if she is in agony. She said she can't and will not come by tomorrow morning as well since she has to go to a therapist to treat her back.

Of course after telling this to my boss he exploded.

Nothing new there.

Anyhow, that was taken cared of, telling me not to let him do it again. Shoot the messenger already. He already lectured me for being abusive with his kindness. I know that he was being general because his principle was that any one of the team makes a mistake the entire group is affected.

why do I hate rest day overtime

Once again, the office asked us to do rest day overtime because we are so failing in service level, the company is paying the client thousands of dollars. Our team doesn't want to at all, but well nothing you can do.

But our beloved coach did something that gave us a choice. We can go on OT on a half-day for 4 hours or not. Coach is not forcing us to do OT if we don't want to. He's like my parents who don't force me to do what I don't want unless necessary. I chose to do rest day OT because and no, it's not because of one of my teammates (ok maybe it is one reason), but because I don't want to see the visitors we have at home who're staying in until Sunday.

Now that I am here in the office taking calls I regretted my decision. First, I think I took a risk of failing a survey by coming here on a weekend (and my coach goes into explosive mode when one of his agents fail). Second, our coach suddenly left because he had a stomachache, which left us at a loss if our schedule for next week has been changed or not. We had a bad schedule and most of us (including me) are late risers. Coming to work at 6am is not cute.

So I'm at a loss.

I got to work and everyone seems to be glum. Or at least that's how I feel. I was raving a bit calling the customer an asshole and got reprimanded by one of my teammates who is our oic.

Almost an hour before I leave. I hope this is worth the time I wasted here in the office. I only slept for 2 hours this afternoon and I feel tired. I just feel energetic because I am almost leaving.

what is with people today?!

Bad moods sure run in the group right now. It all started with a mandatory OT from the office since our service level sucks so badly that we're being fined thousands of dollars already. That's capitalism for you.

We didn't like mandatory OT's but we have no choice. Either we go to work on weekends or get fired. What a life.

Then our coach is in one of his explosive moods. Argh. What's new.

I'm in a bad mood myself because I am being dislocated from my room because of some stranger who is the brother of my mom's cousin or whoever (couldn't care less) and his wife (the bitch) are going to stay over for the next two days. Dammit! Can't they find somewhere else to stay?! Don't they know that our house is only good enough for 4 people?! IDIOTS.

I wish this month is over.

sadness

Has it ever occured to anyone who's interested why there are some people who are NOT that lucky when it comes to the matters of the heart? For instance, why do some always fall for someone knowing that you can't have him/her? If he/she is not taken, you're not his/her type at all or you're just stuck as friends.

I've had enough. I just want to give it up and live my life as is, without pain, without joy, without love, without meaning....

I don't want to waste my life and my tears on something I know I cannot even attain. But even if that's the case, the same feeling still persists regardless of the pain and the heartbreak that comes along with it.

A deep sense of sadness covers my heart, overwhelming and painful that it leaves me at a loss.

LUST

¹lust
Pronunciation: 'l&st
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Old English; akin to Old High German lust pleasure and perhaps to Latin lascivus wanton
1 obsolete a : PLEASURE, DELIGHT b : personal inclination : WISH
2 : usually intense or unbridled sexual desire : LASCIVIOUSNESS
3 a : an intense longing : CRAVING b : ENTHUSIASM, EAGERNESS

This is defined from http://www.webster.com and here's another one from Microsoft Encarta Dictionary Tools:

lust [lust]
n
1. sexual desire: the strong physical desire to have sex with somebody, usually without associated feelings of love or affection

2. eagerness: great eagerness or enthusiasm for something
* the lust for power

[Old English , “pleasure, desire.” Ultimately, from an Indo-European word meaning “to be eager,” which is also the ancestor of English lascivious.]

It is more blunt in the Encarta, but regardless where and how it's defined, lust is lust: an intense sexual craving for someone. Intense. Sexual. Painful. Craving. Scary. Very, very scary.

Especially if the object of your passion is just near you, yet so far. The feeling is so strong that you want to fuck him or be fucked silly. You watch him from afar and wonder how his hands would feel touching your body...wondering how his lips would feel on your own lips...wondering how his tongue would feel caressing your skin...wondering how his body would feel moving against yours...wondering how he would feel inside you...wondering if he would fulfill all your fantasies and give you ecstasy...wondering when after all the passion has been spent if you would still want him to do you until you scream for him to stop and when he stopped you wonder if you still have the yearning to scream for him to start all over...

And you're left with that...wondering. Because you know for a fact that this is not going to happen in real life. You're just in your own dream world with him as the center of your desires. Only in your deepest and darkest delusions would you ever experience sexual gratification. Then when you're done dreaming all you feel is sexual frustration because you know that deep in the recesses of your mind that you can't have him...not in the way you want to.

Intensity

It never occured to me that intense attraction could lead to intense pain. I mean it's obvious that I am in-love with a previous guy (and still is) but this new guy suddenly caught my attention that I suddenly forgot about him.

Jokes are half-meant right? It was my fault getting carried away by all the jokes I get within the team. It has a manner of worming its way to my heart. It is not helping that he is sweet and has a low booming voice, which are two of my weaknessess in a man. Reiterating, I got carried away.

A colleague of mine said that the reason why we're being teased is because we're both good sports. Him, I'd understand but me? I'm a sore loser or pikon in Filipino. But I just decided to ride along since they're just jokes right?

So how the hell did I ended up taking it seriously?

Has it been possible that I fell for him without knowing it? Gee, I think I just answered my own question. Scrap that.

It hurts real bad when you know that he is within reach but at the same time you know that he's too far. I vented out my hurt by blabbing out to Sparky my cat who just stared at me blankly. He must be wondering if his mistress had gone nuts. It was also the reason why I took my cat to bed with me when I took a nap this afternoon. I need a live version of a stuffed toy to comfort me (and bite me as well to show that my kitty loves me).

I woke up later in the evening feeling better and dressed in my most unusual (bleached denims) which made some notice on it. My coach said that bleached denims are not allowed (of course he was joking). His girlfriend also kidded me about it as well. But on my way to work I was feeling hurt and wondering on how to cope for the next few days with him around all the time.

Earlier and until now I can hear his voice across me and I can see him, which is such a torment believe me. I'm just making myself strong because I know that this is not going to work.

I'm sick and tired of one-sided attraction. It's not cute anymore. Is it too much to ask to have a man who would love me for who and inspite of who I am?! Is it too much to ask?! Is it too much to ask to at least have an intense two-way attraction, something that takes your breath away?!

Maybe if I stopped brooding about it, it would come on its own. As the zen saying goes...if you want something, stop wanting it.

You know, despite of my harsh tongue and cynical nature I am a hopeless romantic, which is quite a contrast if you ask me.

I need to enjoy my life, with or without a man. But I also want to share my life with a man. Does that make sense?

picture cutie

I found this picture in a tech forum and I liked it so much. Those who are in tech support (even if they're not) would prefectly understand this picture. This is so hilarious.

Something to think about

I went to McDonald's and bought an upgraded meal with an audio CD. I chose the Best Male since the Best Female and the Best Love has Jessica Simpson and I don't like her. The songs are marvelous and one track caught my attention. It's called "Meant to Live" by Switchfoot.

Why? It just reminded me of what I am undergoing through right now. I'm still a Level 1 agent and not sure what I would do beyond July. "Meant to Live" is something that makes me think about things.

Meant to Live
By: Switchfoot

Fumbling his confidence
And wond’ring why the world has passed him by
Hoping that he’s meant for more than arguments
And failed attempts to fly, fly

We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside
Somewhere we live inside
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside

Dreaming about providence
And whether mice or men have second tries
Maybe we’ve been livin with our eyes half open
Maybe we’re bent and broken, broken

We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside
Somewhere we live inside
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside

We want more than this world’s got to offer
We want more than this world’s got to offer
We want more than the wars of our fathers
And everything inside screams for second life

We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
We were meant to live
We were meant to live

nutcase

I must be insane when I applied for PS. But I did apply for that position and was interviewed this morning. I was being my usual wacky self but I hope that they won't think I am a violent (there was a question that they asked on how to deal with another PS who is causing the problem on the team and I answered that I'll just talk to the person since beating him up is not an option to which resulted them to laugh out loud) person.

The interview went well and it was funny most of the time, but I'm not sureif I would make it. My teammates were already teasing me about my new position (supposedly) and said not to say anything too soon. I hate to jinx it I guess.

If I become a PS that's one helluva an achievement in my career. If not, oh well. But I sure hope that I become one, a PS that is.

Who knows?

restoration

Ok so my coach is back to his usual insane self. Although he was blabbing about being strict and stuff (and he is) he is now back to his usual self. Looks like everything has been cleared out and fixed.

I was on leave when things were cleared out among us. But it was back to almost the way it used to.

Does that make sense?

supervisor-agent relationship: fragile

We all have our ups and downs in this company, but we have our team and our immediate supervisor to draw strength from, like one would do for a family. This kind of relationship is needed especially in a call center since our team is considered to be our family and our world.

So far we have been enjoying a wonderful relationship with our supervisor, like a friend and brother we never had (or if we do, like we missed). But sometimes, we end up crossing the line between work and personal life.

That is what had just happened yesterday. All because of a misunderstanding. Thanks to an absent-minded teammate and a personal crisis on our coach's part, just exploded. He left us in the middle of the shift and spent the rest of it brooding, I guess. Before he left, he all sent us an IM saying what a bunch of ingrates we are and we have the nerve to talk behind his back.

I was at a loss. I racked my head on what I've done now but I can't think of any. I know I've done some things that made him upset (like remarking carelessly that I wanted to be in another team) but at that time I had no idea what he was referring to.

It feels bad that it had to change this horribly. I wonder if everything would be back the way it used to?

What am I thinking? Of course not!

Ako si M16

I only saw the video of this once in MYX and it stuck on my head.

"Ako si M-16"
by junior kilat

Ako si M16 at your service bai
aduna pud ko'y anak, si baby armalite
Ako si M16 at your service bai
aduna pud ko'y anak, si baby armalite
Ako si M16 at your service bai
aduna pud ko'y anak, si baby armalite
Ako si M16 at your service bai
aduna pud ko'y anak, si baby armalite

..:..
Bratatatatatatatatatatatatat!
Bang bang bang bang bang Bang bang bang bang bang Bang bang bang bang!
Bratatatatatatatatatatatatat!
Bang bang bang bang bang Bang bang bang bang bang Bang bang bang bang!
Bratatatatatatatatatatatatat!
Bang bang bang bang bang Bang bang bang bang bang Bang bang bang bang!
Bratatatatatatatatatatatatat!
Bang bang bang bang bang Bang bang bang bang bang Bang bang bang bang!

Ang akong mga bala, hastang pwerting baratoha
Ayaw lang katingala, kung supplier di magpaila
Ang akong mga bala, hastang pwerting baratoha
Ayaw lang katingala, kung supplier di magpaila

Buy-one take-one kung walay gyera
Presyo times two kung election o kudeta
Buy-one take-one kung walay gyera
Presyo times two kung election o kudeta

..:..
Bratatatatatatatatatatatatat!
Bang bang bang bang bang Bang bang bang bang bang Bang bang bang bang!
Bratatatatatatatatatatatatat!
Bang bang bang bang bang Bang bang bang bang bang Bang bang bang bang!
Bratatatatatatatatatatatatat!
Bang bang bang bang bang Bang bang bang bang bang Bang bang bang bang!
Bratatatatatatatatatatatatat!
Bang bang bang bang bang Bang bang bang bang bang Bang bang bang bang!

Kini si M203, kini sa M203
Ang bala kusgan, kini si M203
Kini si M203, kini sa M203
Ang bala kusgan, kini si M203

Grenade launcher, dugangi lang dyes mil
Grenade launcher, dugangi lang dyes mil
Grenade launcher, dugangi lang dyes mil
Grenade launcher, dugangi lang dyes mil

..:..
Bratatatatatatatatatatatatat!
Bang bang bang bang bang Bang bang bang bang bang Bang bang bang bang!
Bratatatatatatatatatatatatat!
Bang bang bang bang bang Bang bang bang bang bang Bang bang bang bang!
Bratatatatatatatatatatatatat!
Bang bang bang bang bang Bang bang bang bang bang Bang bang bang bang!
Bratatatatatatatatatatatatat!
Bang bang bang bang bang Bang bang bang bang bang Bang bang bang bang!

--Turntable Solo-
--Guitar Solo-

Ako si M16 at your service bai
aduna pud ko'y anak, si baby armalite
Ako si M16 at your service bai
aduna pud ko'y anak, si baby armalite
Ako si M16 at your service bai
aduna pud ko'y anak, si baby armalite
Ako si M16 at your service bai
aduna pud ko'y anak, si baby armalite

Ako si M16, Ako si M16, Ako si M16, M203, Ako si M16,
Ako si M16, Ako si M16, Ako si M16, M203, Ako si M16,
Ako si M16, Ako si M16, Ako si M16, M203, Ako si M16,
Ako si M16, Ako si M16, Ako si M16, M203, Ako si M16,

Bratatatatatatatatat

power of anger

I've always been told that I was born angry either by my relatives or my closest friends. I wonder if that is even true since I talk, act and move angrily. Maybe it is.

People think I am angry 24/7 but in reality, I'm not. Maybe I've been so mad for most of my whole life that it comes out naturally. My closest friends were already very much used to my mood swings and surges of rage but people who just met me are well, either scared or they go away or misunderstand me thinking that I'm mad at them, which most of the time I am not.

It is my habit to let out my anger since keeping them is painful, literally and figuratively. In my work, I am known as an irate agent, someone who gets really angry in the phone and has a tendency to pick a fight with a customer. In my former job, irate agents are the best ones. Even in my current job, even if I am an irate agent my perfomance is good if not great. My teammate remarked on that saying: "Irate na 'yan." When I've been consistently getting good scores.

For one thing this feeling has kept me strong for the past 8 years but it is getting tiring and I am not happy anymore. Not to mention that it is not fun to be alone because of snapping peoples' heads off.

I was promised by my coach here at work to be nicer on the phone since I always begin my day by yelling at the PC and cursing. In this case, maybe I'm tired of coming to work where you know that you're being made an ass of but still comes to work because you have to, not because you enjoy going to work.

I don't know what I would be like without my anger. When I think about it, I feel helpless and weak. But myabe I need to rely on my anger. It would kill me one day.